Journals

“Tot ziens”, she jovially smiled at me on her way stepping out from the cab.

“Tot ziens”, I nodded and smiled at her.

And the driver continued driving.

It was about 8 to 9 PM. I sighed and closed my eyes, hoping there would nothing bad happens during our way to my house (for a security reason some people, usually women, are avoiding to go outside alone with and/or without cabs, especially in night-time).

Since there were no more talks on the back seat – perhaps the driver avoided a restless silence, or maybe he intended to comfort me – the driver turned on the tape. Hey, he got a real nice taste of music! I recognized some of the songs played. A few from Mozart. I forgot the titles though. There was also one track from Billy Joel, the one titled “Just the Way You Are” performed on instruments (not sung). There are not many cab drivers that have such a good sense of music and manner. Most of them (and most of us as well!) seem to forget the three magic words; “thank you”, “please”, and “sorry” most of time, but yet he’s the most cultured and politely-quiet taxi driver I ever met. 

Still closing my eyes, I was thinking of what I had done that day chronologically. I had a weekly Dutch class in the morning, the luncheon, a choir preparation for an event in the afternoon, a short photo-making after that (quite nice and funny), and then went out for dinner and dropped by a book fair held in an assembly hall in the town. I bought a book about meditation and Zen life.

A Zen Buddhism book I am reading says something quite remarkable.

“Attachments is another source of our suffering. When things are going well in our lives, our tendency is to want them to stay that way indefinitely, and we may begin to worry that they’ll change. Wanting causes also suffering”.

A classic Indian literature (English translation) I have ever read says the same thing. “Wrath springs only from thwarted desires”. Wanting refers to desires.

I confess that I am suffering. I am having the said wrath. Angry feelings about everything and nothing. A ton of disappointments that bloomed from others. I know it would take two-to-three years (or even more) to me to be able to forgive but I would like to accelerate it.

A few months ago a friendly guy whom I used to meet weekly in my Yoga class let me to copy a bunch of new age music he has into my USB stick (he also borrowed me a book about a water healing therapy – he kindly initiated to borrow me it regarding to our small talk about my sleeping habit disorder).

Back to the music, we traded some tracks. I let him to copy a few of mine. From some tracks he gave me, there is one I really like. It is titled Chant of Metta - I listen to it a quite a lot from my iTunes, recently.

About the book I recently bought, there is a few information about metta that simply means loving-kindness. The writer says that Theravada tradition teaches practices in a sequential way to arouse metta and karuna (compassion). Metta meditation is aimed to open the heart. It speaks to those who cannot forgive. 

Still sitting in the back seat in the cab, I opened my eyes since immense glimmery reflection of water droplets and lights from down the road stroke my eyes to widen. That was a little bit raining that evening. Light rains, traffic lights, road lights, and any other random lights from towers, billboards, cars, were blended and constellated and formed into one word: Ja-kar-ta. 

My cab ran efficiently.

The night-scene I was viewing from where I sat was like a fast-moving slide.

Someday, inward voice whispered, someday I’ll find an absence of these views.

Someday I will be able to see things from different point of view.

Someday I will be able to understand what actually were in my mind these days.

Someday I will be able to acknowledge my worldly emotions and embrace them.

Someday I will be able to know the reason on why this evening I involuntarily opened my eyes and chose to stare at the night-scene from where I had a sit rather than to close my eyes.

I pass these avenues many times so what made me interested to open my eyes?

Is ‘what-I-want’ really out there, within evening rain droplets, road lights and a city life? I deeply doubt that.