Journals

The idea of gold-hearted unattractive-looking people could be one of the most ageless big ideas found in tales. The gold-hearted ones, more often than not, are represented in unpleasant forms like ugly ducklings (a fairy tale popularized by Hans Christian Andersen), hunchbacks (like in The Hunchback From Notre Dame). Similar to the hunchbacks, other forms recounted like beasts (like in The Beauty and The Beast), and a pale monster-alike stigmatist in a gumshoe story film I ever watched few years ago. I forgot the title though.

 

The other creatures of the gold-hearted characters are represented by animal forms, like monkeys, frogs, snakes, et cetera. Frogs… The most popular one is a western tale that tells about a frog that is actually a prince and changes into a handsome young prince when a young beauty kissed him. And snakes… I ever watched a Chinese tale that tells about a legend of a white snake.

 

Somehow I don’t think that animals and/or other horrible creatures are exactly good depiction of righteous people. That’s supposed to be a corny irrelevant myth that has been rooted in people’s mind through tales they listened/watched/read in their childhood age. There are no such beasts with a gold heart! Beasts are beasts, with beast looks and beast natures. One term of my social-life history has showed that animal-minded people left no good marks to re-call to mind.

As friends, animal-minded people are those who are benefit-oriented. Like animals, they are born with such mindset of “eating” / “killing” or “being eaten”/ “being killed”. They could hardly be generous and possessing “just-because” sincerity.

As lovers, they are even worse. Like animals, they have such characteristics of the physical and instinctive needs of animals, rather than the spirit. Hence, in their relationships, animal-minded people could never be able to reach love in a platonic stage since their animal lust seems to be a larger portion that makes them away from monogamous and sexual fidelity.

As both nobody and somebody, they are everywhere; generalized and categorized, are in one of a long line of avariciousness.

Even though, I just cannot understand on why Ganesh, one of deities in Hinduism that is worshipped as a patron of learning and obstacle removal is depicted as an elephant-headed creature.

 

I seem to be much more fonder of living organisms called “plants” as depiction of righteous people, instead. Plants, in one or in many ways, are asexual. Plants differ from animals in lacking specialized sense organs, having no capacity for voluntary movement, having cell walls, and growing to suit their surroundings rather than having a fixed body plan. Plants are altruistic. They, through photosynthesis, give life to other living organisms.

Plants are also sensitive. Jagadis Chandra Bose, an India’s great plant physicist and botanist (was knighted in 1917), through his Crescograph had proved that plants have a sensitive nervous system and a varied emotional life.

 

Like plants, plant-minded people, I infer, are those who talk less but do more. Those who are soothing, loyal, giving and sincere, away from pretense and deceit. They are lovely and blessed people with great decent personalities. My father and my mother are perfect examples of my “plants of life”. I am grateful that I am in the midst of plant-minded people. I have the most supportive, the most patient and the most loving parents in this world. Also yet, I have a bunch of plant-minded friends to share thoughts, smiles and laughs with.

 

An illustration about ornamental aquatic plant Water Lilies gently floating in water just came to my mind when I was feeling centered and thinking of righteous people I know. People who are dear to me. They are like Water Lilies. They live and exist, and prominently look beautiful, regardless the condition of water they are floating in. Mud and dirty waters just cannot keep their both bright inner and outer out of sight.

 

Sending metta, I closed my eyes, feeling centered and focused.

I visualized a Water Lily that grows in…

a place where the waterfalls are very beautiful as beautiful as rivers of the sanctity,

a place which its end part of the name resounds like a cosmic motor “aum”,

a place which its end part of the name sounds like the thirtieth surah “Ar-Ruum”;

the place called: “Erzurum”.

 

Cosmic will work for plant-minded people and those who deeply pray in the transcendent level of consciousness.  

 

O, Thou art the Absolute! I believe that there would no such encounters come to pass in absence of Thine interventions. My sanity was restored by an encounter with the Water Lily from Erzurum. The Water Lily is pure and saved and, indeed, a model of the most beautiful varieties that I want to grow in my garden of life.

This afternoon I went to see my tailor. She might be happy that today she got one happy grin from her demanding new customer; Ms. Cheria.

 

I have been thinking about my Kebaya a lot lately. I could say that this was my first work in clothes-making. I had looked heaps of models up on some websites and fashion magazines but yet none of them could really satisfy me, so I decided to rely on my knowledge about my own body posture and a piece of imagination to produce one solid idea.

I had never done this kind of thing before. Ok, I did not sew my own dress but I my self carefully chose the materials; the sheer rose French chiffon, the fiber-based textile and the ornaments. And also I had my own concept about the dress in one complete figure. The whole materials did cost me a lot, since they are high quality, but I believe that there would be something like “chemistry” between them and me that is indeed priceless.

Furthermore, I will wear this dress on the day of my graduation ceremony, sooo… nothing more to explain. (The event will be held in one of afternoons in December at the Ritz Carlton hotel.)

 

To detail a ton of ideas is not a simple thing. Yet, in writing, many times I found myself desperately clueless finding ways to jot down one of countless bubbles of idea that explosively flooded in my head. So when I came to see the tailor I tried my best to convey my idea to her.

Pictures enhance words. I made a quick sketch in front of her and explained the details. Hey, I don’t know that I am not bad in drawing, at all! She said that mine was even better than hers. Today she told me that she relied on my sketch and some notes she added regarding to my upper body measurements. But yet of course she is still way better than me in sewing but I am willing to learn sewing though.

 

Some people who know me say that my sensitive nature could be a tremendous receptive medium towards arts. I admit that I do always enjoy aesthetic pleasure hence I believe that my nature is my latent potency that I can activate anytime I want.

 

I am interested also in textiles. Lately I went to an Indian textile shop and purchased a high-quality Sari. (By the way, a little bit about Indian textile shops; I find them always interesting to visit since they usually have Parvati, Ganesh, and other divine manifestations put just near to the cashier.) 

Also, I have been interested in jewelries since I was a little girl. Until now I have owned many earrings and necklaces. Lately my collection is expanded into bangles/anklets and bindis, and also I am willing to have personal gems. I ever read a little bit about personal gems and crystal that can work with major natural element(s) possessed by each human being.

 

Sooo… back to my Kebaya, in short words, the tailor finally got what I meant. But phew, it took a quite long time to her to visualize my idea though. It’s ok though since today I got my work done.

 

 

I like the way she spread the ornaments. They were spread like shimmery dusts sprinkled over the up part of the dress; from the chest part to the upper abdomen. Echt mooi…!

 

“Tot ziens”, she jovially smiled at me on her way stepping out from the cab.

“Tot ziens”, I nodded and smiled at her.

And the driver continued driving.

It was about 8 to 9 PM. I sighed and closed my eyes, hoping there would nothing bad happens during our way to my house (for a security reason some people, usually women, are avoiding to go outside alone with and/or without cabs, especially in night-time).

 

Since there were no more talks on the back seat – perhaps the driver avoided a restless silence, or maybe he intended to comfort me – the driver turned on the tape. Hey, he got a real nice taste of music! I recognized some of the songs played. A few from Mozart. I forgot the titles though. There was also one track from Billy Joel, the one titled “Just the Way You Are” performed on instruments (not sung). There are not many cab drivers that have such a good sense of music and manner. Most of them (and most of us as well!) seem to forget the three magic words; “thank you”, “please”, and “sorry” most of time, but yet he’s the most cultured and politely-quiet taxi driver I ever met. 

 

Still closing my eyes, I was thinking of what I had done that day chronologically. I had a weekly Dutch class in the morning, the luncheon, a choir preparation for an event in the afternoon, a short photo-making after that (quite nice and funny), and then went out for dinner and dropped by a book fair held in an assembly hall in the town. I bought a book about meditation and Zen life.

A Zen Buddhism book I am reading says something quite remarkable.

“Attachments is another source of our suffering. When things are going well in our lives, our tendency is to want them to stay that way indefinitely, and we may begin to worry that they’ll change. Wanting causes also suffering”.

A classic Indian literature (English translation) I have ever read says the same thing. “Wrath springs only from thwarted desires”. Wanting refers to desires.

I confess that I am suffering. I am having the said wrath. Angry feelings about everything and nothing. A ton of disappointments that bloomed from others. I know it would take two-to-three years (or even more) to me to be able to forgive but I would like to accelerate it.

 

A few months ago a friendly guy whom I used to meet weekly in my Yoga class let me to copy a bunch of new age music he has into my USB stick (he also borrowed me a book about a water healing therapy – he kindly initiated to borrow me it regarding to our small talk about my sleeping habit disorder).

Back to the music, we traded some tracks. I let him to copy a few of mine. From some tracks he gave me, there is one I really like. It is titled Chant of Metta - I listen to it a quite a lot from my iTunes, recently.

About the book I recently bought, there is a few information about metta that simply means loving-kindness. The writer says that Theravada tradition teaches practices in a sequential way to arouse metta and karuna (compassion). Metta meditation is aimed to open the heart. It speaks to those who cannot forgive. 

 

Still sitting in the back seat in the cab, I opened my eyes since immense glimmery reflection of water droplets and lights from down the road stroke my eyes to widen. That was a little bit raining that evening. Light rains, traffic lights, road lights, and any other random lights from towers, billboards, cars, were blended and constellated and formed into one word: Ja-kar-ta. 

 

My cab ran efficiently.

The night-scene I was viewing from where I sat was like a fast-moving slide.

Someday, inward voice whispered, someday I’ll find an absence of these views.

Someday I will be able to see things from different point of view.

Someday I will be able to understand what actually were in my mind these days.

Someday I will be able to acknowledge my worldly emotions and embrace them.

Someday I will be able to know the reason on why this evening I involuntarily opened my eyes and chose to stare at the night-scene from where I had a sit rather than to close my eyes.

I pass these avenues many times so what made me interested to open my eyes?

 

Is ‘what-I-want’ really out there, within evening rain droplets, road lights and a city life? I deeply doubt that.

 

-signed in-

13.10.08 3:40 PM

Hi dear Cheria,

at the airport and leaving to Liechtenstein / destination Zürich from Istanbul.

Tonight at my brother’s I’ll send you the letter….

with hope sympathy,

*******

-signed out-

 

 

Beep beep

13.10.08 5:11 PM

Cheria you have any perfume brand you like? I am thinking of you.

 

I Think God Can Explain

by Splender - 

There’s a lot of things I understand 
And there’s a lot of things that
I don’t want to know
But you’re the only face I recognize
It’s so damn sweet of you
to look me in the eyes

It’s alright, I’m OK
I think God can explain
I believe I’m the same
I get carried away

It’s alright, I’m OK
I think God can explain
I’m relieved I’m relaxed
I’ll get over it yet

The scent of vasoline
in the summertime
The feel of an icecube
Melting overtime
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
when I begin to cry

I’m so much better than you guessed
I’m so much bigger than you guessed
I’m so much brighter than you guessed

I think God can explain
I think God can explain
I think God can explain

THE TRUE SUFI

 

                                    “Purity of heart;

                                                 not the lust perverse” 

 

What makes the Sufi? Purity of heart;

Not the patched mantle and the lust perverse

Of those vile earth-bound men who steal his name.

He in all dregs discerns the essence pure:

In hardship ease, in tribulation joy.

The phantom sentries, who with batons drawn

       Guard Beauty’s place-gate and curtained bower,

Give way before him, unafraid he passes,

And showing the King’s arrow, enters in.

        The Carnal souls’ food

        is seeds of evil;

        Sow them, and they

        grow and grow 

                irresistibly.

                       

> hi

> hi thanks for the add ^_^

> hehe no problem

    that profile isn’t even really finished

    i got lazy and i couldn’t get the colors right

> hehe that looks ok

    what are u up to?

> not too much

    i should be studying

> studying?

> haha yeah

> studying on what?

> i have a test later

    in calculus

> where are u now? at school?

> nahh at home

    i have to go to school later on though

> what time there?

> 1:09 pm

> and what time will the class start? 

> like 4 or 5

> i see

    now here is 1:14 am

> tired?

> not at all

    why? ^_^

> just wondering =)

> still there?

> yeah i’m here =)

> ok

> what are ya doin?

> browsing through some websites of universities

    and you?

> just wasting time on facebook and stuff

> ok

> are you in school still?

> just graduated! ^_^

> ahh cool

    what are you gonna do now?

> lookin for higher education, perhaps

> graduate school?

> master degree

> in what?

> umm don’t know yet, still lookin on it

    but i guess it wouldn’t be far different from my field

    communication studies

> where do you want to go study?

> hopefully (…….)

    but i don’t know yet though

> (…….) sounds fun

> yeah

   i need some financial assistance like scholarship though

   and also my dutch/french is not yet improving >_<

> ohh yeah

    should practice more

    how many languages do you speak? 

> four languages including my mother tongue

> mhmm

> and you? how many languages do u speak?

> just 1

   and a little bit of japanese and spanish

   but i forgot most of it cause i don’t use it

> u shave?

> my face?

> yes

> haha sometimes, when i feel like it =P

> i prefer it is shaved, if u care to know ;p

> i think i like a woman with a beard =P

    haha

> seriously?

> haha no =P

    i don’t have too much hair though

    just fuzzy

> has your gf ever complained about your little beard?

> no gf =/

> sorry to hear that

> my hair is soft =P

    haha

> haha

    have any pets?

> cat

    i don’t shave my cat either =P

> cat! what’s his/her name?

> lula

    do you have any pets?

> used to, a local cat named miu ^_^

> ohh cool

    did you shave your cat? =P

> sure not ^_^

> lol sorry my jokes are dumb

> so far I can remember, you have said that your jokes are dumb about twice

> haha probably

> u like your calculus stuff?

> yeah i kinda like math

> i remember that well

   u like math, dj stuff, afraid of flying, hmm what else…

> hmm

> hehe sorry jk

> haha it’s ok

    i dunno what else

    i want to learn how to skateboard again

    but i think i’m too old =P

> oh i think i know!

    u cannot remember my name no matter how often i tell you

    that’s one more thing

> cheria =P

> aha

    i should try u next time

> haha i’ll remember

    hey like your bindi in the pictures on myspace =)

> i like bindi

> are you hindu? or is it just for fun?

> i am sufi ;p

> ohh cool

    i don’t think i really have a religion

    my grandmas were catholic

> religions are only vehicles to transport us into a spirituality, all is good

> i think i’m spiritual about science

    i like to read about cosmology and space

    and even math is kind of spiritual for me

> so u are a spacecowboy

> haha

   well i can’t go to space cause i’m afraid of flying anyway

   but i like to think about it

> hehe

> you have cute pictures =)

    i like your lips too, haha

> haha

    i think u should find your cosmicgirl to ease your anxiety in flying

> haha yeah maybe

    i don’t really know any cosmic girls though

> someday you’ll meet one

> haha maybe

> how old are you now?

> old, lol

    28

> nahh not that old

> you are 21?

> yep

> young girls *sigh*, haha

> hey, i used to have a relationship with a guy whose age is 10 years older than u!

> ohh wow

    hehe

    well, i guess i’m not too old for you then

    just too hairy =P

> yeah, hairy

> haha

    aww it’s not that bad

> yeah as long you don’t take too long to shave from one day to another

> hehe

    i shave but not with a razor, like with clippers

    if i have to shave, then you do too =P

> hey dumb jokes, as usual!

> haha

> i have just sent u an email, btw

> ohh ok =)

    i want to find out my blood type now

> haha

> i know japanese think about that alot

    but most americans don’t even know their blood type

> ahh really?

    you can choose the right diet that suits you based on your blood type

> that’s a cute email

    can you read chinese?

> no i cannot

> we don’t even have blood type on our birth certificate

> too bad

> i think my mom would know my blood type though

    i should ask her sometime

> yes

> i think my mom is O- actually haha

> O? 

> there is a blood type O negative

> i don’t know that (O negative)

> i think it’s rare in asia

> hmm

> i think maybe my blood is just pee

    blood type pee

> haha

> because people always tell me i’m full of piss =P

> they say so?

> haha yeah

    well “full of piss” is an expression

> what does it mean?

> i think it just means like energy

    you can say some is “full of piss and vinegar”

    and it means they have a lot of energy and vitality

    or you can say someone is “full of piss and wind”

    and it means like all talking and no action

> for the last point, here we have “NATO”

> what does it mean?

    ohh like NATO organization?

> no

> i think maybe it is irish slang

    james joyce language

> NATO stands for No Action Talk Only

> ohh

    haha

> yeah we use it here

> i think yours is better

    i dunno about piss and vinegar

    sounds like it smells bad

> so which piss are you?

> haha i dunno

    i think i’m just only piss

    i don’t know what it means though

    pissed means angry too

    or it can mean drunk

> i am looking up dictionary

   for phrases it has only “not have a pot to piss in”, “piss in the wind”

   “piss something away”, “piss off”, “piss on”, and “piss s’one off”

   as an english native speaker, do you know the meaning of those phrases?

> yeah

    i like obscure phrases too

    i have a phrase dictionary

    and it also tells the origin or meaning of phrases

> cool

> hehe yeah

    sometimes i think i’d like to study linguistics

> yeah… art, philosophy, and linguistic are interesting

> yeah definitely

    or semiotics

> yeah study of signs and symbols

> my dad was an anthropologist so i think he studying alot of semiotics

> he ever been in indonesia too, right? you ever told me so

> yeah he did

    on sumatra

    and my aunt is from sumatra

> yeah i remember, you mentioned also about a colorful lake

> yeah

> my parents are from sumatra

> ohh i think you told me that before

    i forgot the city though

> sumatra has several provinces, my parents are from two different provinces

> ohh ok

> you are livin with your parents?

> yeah

    my mom and step-dad

> where does your dad live?

> he is around here too

    in chicago

> ahh chicago! the smashing pumpkins’ origin :p

> haha yeah

    i remember you like them

> used to

> yeah i did when i was in highschool too

> ahhaha ok

> i think i should take a shower soon and go to school, hehe

    i have to take my test before my class at 7

> sure, I understand that

> i think you should sleep too =P

    it’s late

> good luck for the test

> thanks =)

    i’ll talk to you soon

    g’nite =)

> ttyl

-Signed out- 

 

> staying up late again, eh?

> hey sup! i didn’t notice u are on

   how was the test?

> it was ok

    i’m stupid though hehe

    i got only 88%

> 88% is quite good

> what are u up to?

> not much, lying in bed, listening to music

> what kind of music?

> jazz, electronica, etc

> cool

> can’t u see the link of the music plays?

> no

Disconnected 

> now i can see it

> ok

    http://www.fizzarum.com/mp3/ursa_majoris.mp3

    i think these guys

    it’s kinda old

    but it’s good music for sleeping

> nice stuff

> yeah

> how to save the file?

> ummm

   http://www.fizzarum.com/

   you can download it from the main page

> ok i can do that later though

    so what are u up to?

> not too much

    hehe

    just looking at some stuff online for work

    are you getting sleepy?

> i cannot sleep

    why?

> just wondering

    it’s late there right?

    almost 3am?

> yeah

> you shouldn’t stay up so late looking at internet porn, it’s a bad habit =P

> come on, i wouldn’t do the same thing as u do

> haha

    how do you know i do that?

> well, u say that thing to me, it is like u’re trying to put others on your shoe

> haha

    no i don’t do that kind of stuff at all

> ahh really?? *observes*

> yeah i don’t like naked ladies at all

> hmm

> breasts are scary

> ok

> haha

> so what kind of ladies do u like? ladies without breasts?

> haha

    i was just kidding actually

    i don’t mind breasts, or no breasts

> ok

> haha sorry

    it’s late you probably don’t want to talk about breasts

> no prob to me

> haha

    do you like breasts then?

    haha

> well, they are part of our body, silly

> not mine

> u have them as well

> i guess sort of

    they’re flat and kinda hairy though

> but u have them, still!

> sorta

    hahaha

> busy there?

> was just doing some training for work and i got a phone call

    is it hot there this time of year?

> it is always hot here

> does that make it hard to sleep?

> nahh i got an airconditioner in my room

> ahh that’s good =)

> it’s just my mind actually

    it distributes like leaves in a storm

> yeah

    i think my mind is like that too

    i have trouble sleeping alot

    sometimes it takes me an hour or two hours

> yeah me too

> it’s annoying =/

    i like having a mind like leaves in a storm though =P

> why so?

> i dunno

    thinking is fun sometimes

> i cannot meditate with that kind of mind

> yeah i guess not

    it’s pretty hard for me to sit still or be quiet for very long

> too bad

    when is your bday?

> 5-15-80

> do u know something about natural elements?

> hmm

    like what kind?

> water, fire, earth, wind

> ohh yeah

    kinda

> everyone has one of those elements

> ohh

> u might have fire element ;p

> i think humans are like 90% water so we must all be water =P

> hmm yeah that might be true ;p

> yeah i’m not sure what my element is

    maybe i’m like two things at the same time that don’t work together

    like firewater

    or maybe the element of pee

> pee again, come on

> hahaha

    it’s better than talking about breasts =P

> none of them is interesting, come on

> haha

    sorry

> someone like u is a fog

> a fog?

> yeah a fog

> like my mind?

> yeah

> haha maybe

    i’m going to go make a sandwich really quick, i’ll be right back =)

> make two

> hehe

    you want one?

> yes

> tomato and salami and cheese and mayonnaise

> sounds yummy

> yeah it was good

> did u make one for me?

> yeah

    you have to come and get it though =P

    cause i can’t email a sandwich

> or you can mail it par avion

> haha i think it will go bad by then

> can u cook?

> not that much, haha

    i can make sandwiches and pasta and eggs

> cool

    cooking is not my thing

> what do you like to do?

> well, i like reading books, writing, listening to music,

   gardening (just started), going to beach, and traveling when i can afford it

   i should marry guys who can cook for me

> haha yeah probably

    i was thinking about learning about meditation

> yesterday u said u want to learn skateboarding

> yeah

    well i used to skateboard when i was young

    but i’m not very good anymore

> when u were young? what age?

> like 9-18 maybe

> oh

> but i’ve been thinking about buddhism lately

> how come?

> i dunno

    i guess cause a lot of philosophers i like talk about buddhism alot

    and scientists too

    albert einstein had alot of idea that were similar to buddhism

    and arthur schopenhauer

    and emil ciorn

> i see

> i don’t think i want to formally practice though

    maybe i’ll just read some books about it

    hey, you should listen to ennio moricone - ecstacy of gold

    that’s my favorite

> oh? ^_^

    if you were a buddhist then u wouldn’t be able to marry me ;p

> how come?

> well actually all men who are from outside islam cannot marry me

> ohh i see

> yeah

> i think i can marry anyone =P

> oh well sure u can

> i don’t think i want to get married anywhere there

> meaning?

> err

    i mean i don’t think i want to get married anyway though

> why not?

> i dunno

    marriage isn’t for everyone

> so u wanna be a celibate? that’s awesome!

> haha

    not really =P

> so?

    ahh, were u joking as usual?

> me nahh

    i dunno if believe in marriage

> i see

> marriage doesn’t work so good here anymore

> no wonder if u don’t know if u believe in marriages then

> i think like 50% of people get divorced

> yeah too bad

    can u listen to the current music?

> i don’t think i can listen

> oh

   have dinner already?

> not yet

    just lunch an hour ago

> it’s about 6:40 pm there, right?

> 5:40

    but i sleep late, haha

    so i eat lunch and dinner very late

    u should go sleep

    it’s late

> yeah

    talk to u later then, spacecowboy

    don’t forget to shave

> haha g’night =)

-Signed out-

 

> hey how are ya? 

*appears to be offline

> hey i am good, just got home about three hours ago

    how are u today?

> ahh what were ya doin?

> out with friends

    hows evrything there?

> workin =/

> on weekends??

> yeah

> does the job pay u good?

> no

    haha not really that good

> what are on your must-have list?

> what do you mean?

> like gadget things, you know, stuff…

> ohh

    i need internet

    computer

    tv

    that’s about it

> u have had them already

> haha yeah

> so u don’t need to work then

> yeah

    i wish i didn’t work

> why do u do something u don’t like?

> i dunno

    i need to have a job

> u appear offline now, are u on yahoo?

> i’m on trillian right now actually

> i changed my picture today ^_^

   can u see it?

> it looks the same as yesterday

> oh

> lemme check hold on

*online

has signed back in

*offline

has signed out

*online

has signed back in

    don’t see it

> ok

> i still don’t see it =/

*offline

has signed out

> still there?

> yeah

    ohh now i see it =)

> hehe

    can u see also the link of the current played music?

> not on here

> i am listening to picturebook by fenomenon ^_^

> ohh were you listening to that yesterday

> i listen to picturebook almost everyday

> i will have to find out what it was

> the play count of the track is 2165 times on my iTunes

    up to now

    best track ever

> wow

> yeah lol

    fenomenon cool, i added them on my myspace

> i found it online to listen to

    but i can’t listen cause my phone keeps ringing =/

> busy, eh?

> a little bit yeah =/

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYnmP8HOZ00

   try that

   i think you’ll like it

> neat stuff

> yeah i like those guys

 

*to be continued

All Would Envy

by Chris Botti & Shawn Colvin -

Old enough to be her dad but the young men were just mad they nursed their grievances.
And she was flattered by his charm it wouldn’t do her any harm they all had their chances.

He sent her flowers and limousines she was treated like a queen anything she ever wanted.
It was no problem for a man like him and everyone expected soon that she could ask him for the moon if she would wear his ring.

Knowing glances from his friends.
In the homes at the weekends of high society but he didn’t give a damn.
He never felt more like a man and all the time the clock was ticking.

And all would envy.
The older man and his beautiful young wife.
Yes all would envy.

In a house apon a hill she was there with time to kill she lived a life she’d only dreamed the life was never what it seemed.
To all her friends that she’d ignored she denied that she was bored.
She had no time for dancing… no time for dancing.

But the clock upon the wall that was ticking in the hall always reminded her.
That life was going on elsewhere but she was happy and she swear she wouldn’t change a thing.

And all would envy.
The older man and his beautiful young wife.
Yes all would envy.

Now its 5 o’clock AM, she must have spent the night again with that old friend of hers.
She loves to dance.
She’s missing more and more these days but he’s still stuck in his old ways.
Perhaps she needs a little more romance but the clock upon the wall is still ticking in the hall.
She must be home soon.
Where a younger man would weep.
He takes a pill and goes to sleep.
Now who would envy the older man and his beautiful young wife? Who would envy? - Who would envy?

Last night I got a call from a guy I used to set my eyes on during my orientation days in the University of Indonesia in 2004, yes… four years ago. He is a friend of friend’s. Yeah… I know… last time I wrote up about an irony happened during the last few gloomy days; a friend of friend’s with whom I did not get in touch with for almost three years, came to my house with a phone payment slip, and a black-forest cake. And today: another friend of friend’s!

–

A piece of puzzle of moment is still fresh in my mind… Four years ago, in the same building we – the high school fresh graduates, who were about to enter the university and had successfully passed its academic test – were gathered and grouped into several groups of work. I met a nice girl; she was one of members of the group I belonged to. I said to that girl that over there – about twelve meters away from where we had a sit – there was a nice-looking guy I liked to set my eyes on. She laughed and said “which one”, and I said “our ten o’clock direction, the tall one”. She laughed loudly. She said that he is her good friend, kind of an old friend of hers. She offered herself to introduce us. I laughed and refused her offer politely. I said; “Not now thanks, I’ll think it later though”. And we laughed. And the conversation about the ten-o’clock-direction guy did not go any further.

–

And then for some weak reasons (lost interest or something) I left the University of Indonesia (some people were baffled by my decision at that time), and enrolled for another institution: a grade-A school of communications; LSPR – Jakarta; an English-speaking school, that is way less conventional and more multicultural, and that was “the most unexpected jump” for a 17-year-old green girl who had just started to use her intuitive ability. That was the best decision I ever made in 2004.

–

Within the next few months after leaving the university, the ten-o’clock-direction guy contacted me. He said that he got my number from her old friend (Miss Nice). I was so happy at that time. And my happy feeling faded away with time that flied, with many people I met after that.

–

Time flied. Until in the very early month in 2007, the ten-o’clock-direction guy re-contacted me. We met up somewhere around my previous work point (Sarinah building) on Thamrin road. He picked me up after work in the evening. At that time, before we really met face-to-face, I felt like I had no idea about how he looks like exactly, I mean, in such a very close distance. All things I can remember about him is not pretty much, well, he is tall, pale, and he stood in such a fearless posture and facial expression about twelve meters from where I had a sit with Miss Nice. At the first time, I felt like I was afraid that he would fool me, but then I thought; how about him? Did he have any idea about how I look like? Of course he did not, because the only one who stared at him for about twelve meters away from where he stood was me! Finally we met actually and decided to spend time at a place called “kost” where I used to stay for about three months during my probation time at work. We talked for almost four hours (or more?). He was normal, I mean, not that talkative and he’s not a kind of too-much-talking type, but also not that silent and awkward. Overall, he is good, and the only thing I needed in the evening was light. Yeah… I needed more light to help myself to re-call my memory on why I ever set my eyes on him amongst thousands of student gathered in the same building in 2004.

–

And this year, Wednesday 2 July 2008, 10:56 PM, he gave me a call again. What a surprise! He was loud and funny (I think he was louder than last time I saw him). We talked about a few thing, about our friend; Miss Nice and what happened to her recently, about school, about my thesis, about teeth, about his old friend who studies dentistry, and injections that always scare him off, that he said better off he took pills rather than to let the dentist uses injections to kill the pain. Funny. We talked for about 20 minutes (or more?) and he said he would give me a call in the next days. He said that currently he got really busy with his football exercise. I said yeah sure, and before we ended the phone conversation, we had agreed to catch up in next few days. And that’s it.

–

I wear my earphone back with the music played, lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. Empty. And no, I was not thinking of that guy.

–

From staring at the ceiling, I got nothing but the emptiness so that I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, and listened to Picturebook, which I have been listening to for 1489 times until that night. There were so many things happened within these last two years. I have been too focused on my previous job, my thesis, new people I met during the years (but none of them is such a potential contact), and a wide scratch over my heart that is still new, red, and painful, and all these nonsense causations. Probably because of those things, I missed few centimeters of my “ruler of memory”. Now I feel that things are like blurred and everything’s like… I don’t know what to say… time runs… everything runs fast. And people… they are so disapointing. Once I had a single nice memorable moment with them, and the other days they made me upset, and that time I felt like the sky was razed down to the ground, and all I wanted to do is lying down in bed the whole day, with closed eyes and a silent cry, hoping that I have mastered my meditation so that I can manage my anger and breathe more comfortably with an empty mind. I wish I had much time to practice.

–

I stared at my corny phone. This “guy” (yes, I think my mobile phone is a male) has been loyal to “his” master for about three years. I believe in balanced-energy-flow theory that says that I should let old negative memory going out to let the new positive coming in, so that I applied the theory on many things that other people might think not important, like, for example things that have something to do with phone. I start to stop keeping other’s phone numbers that I think I wouldn’t use any longer. So, I think it is good that the ten-o’clock-direction guy (and/or anybody else) still kept my phone number because I think I wouldn’t change my number for the rest of my life. Well yeah… I think I am gonna stick with this number for a very long time, no matter what if someday I would have to travel a lot and probably step my feet on any unexpected areas. I have been using this number since 2002.

–

People may come and go, they may come back to look for me and they would find me easily because I do make myself to be reachable.

–

They may find and try talk to me again. Yeah… they may try…

For those who used my “ruler of memory” for drawing a beautiful line with me, I will talk to them back.

For those who used my “ruler of memory” sloppily and made some cracks over the surface, I would remain silent peacefully.

Last few days suck. I spent time lying down in bed, checking e-mails, composing e-mails, replying to some incoming e-mails, editing my Friendster page, writing a poem. I have been not well physically emotionally. Every time I stared at my sad face in the mirror, I felt like being the most ugly and sad person of the week. Look at this messy hair, these dead beat sad eyes, black shade under the eyes, nothing left, only me with my downbeat self-reflection. I am now having a wide scratch and a big hole in my heart. And the stuff I hate most to see is my mobile phone, so that I put it under pillows and pretended that I forgot that it was there.

–

Seven o’clock in the evening, it vibrated and I noticed an incoming call from a fixed phone number I did not recognize. I answered the phone, and guess what; that was from a guy I knew in 2004. Yeah, four years ago. I was surprised. We talked for about six minutes and he said he would call me back in the next ten minutes. I said ok, and waited for his next call.

–

Suddenly mom knocked my door, and told me that I got someone waiting on the phone line. It was him. I thought he would give me a call to my mobile phone number, but he gave me a call to our home number. I asked him to make a call to my CDMA number, and he called me back. I asked him what’s up. I said that I was surprised and he said he got something reminds him of me. I asked what is that. And he said a phone payment slip. I laughed because I think he was just doing, you know… some kind of nonsense sweet talk. He asked me “how are you”, I said I am not really ok. I told him that I want to vomit frequently. I really wanted to say that I got also some emotional pains, but I thought it would sound too much information, so I remained to say I got something to do with gastric-acid.

–

So we talked about school and family. Suddenly he said he wanted to come to my house. He said that he still remember how to get here. I said yeah why not, and he took not more than half an hour to get here. And when he was arrived, and opened up his helmet, I studied his face to re-call memory that had been blurred by time. And what was that, in his hand? He brought me black forest cake! What a very nice of him. I actually don’t know him very well. He is a friend of friend. It was just happened that way; a short conversation on the telephone, and that evening he was already there, standing in front me in such a an awkward way and said hi.

–

We got an awkward silence at the beginning then he showed me something; the slip he mentioned before. I was surprised, I did not know that he was serious about he had said on the telephone. So I read the printout.

He said that it was one of some slips he kept. I was surprised. How couldn’t I remember that we ever had quite frequent phone conversations! That was very funny and I laughed. And that was my first laugh during the last two days.

–

We had a sit on our uncomfortable bamboo chairs on the terrace, with many mosquitoes but that did not annoy us a lot. We talked about many things; music, the most current movie at cinemas (Kungfu Panda), each other’s past, school, my thesis, family, plants, SLR cameras, Friendster, silly SMS, cool places, and many other things for almost four hours. We had slices of his black-forest cake. I felt comfortable. Maybe that was because of the physiological effect brought by the chocolate, or maybe because I had someone to talk to in the last few days being nowhere but my room, or maybe because of both factors.

–

When we were talking, I was thinking that the person who was supposed to be there with me is someone who is related to my sadness, not this guy. How ironic but I have to face the reality. Sometimes things are just unpredictable and far from what we expect. In that evening, when I felt like utterly down, I had someone surprising coming to my house out of the clear blue sky, telling that he still kept his phone bill slip from three years ago, and offering nothing but black-forest cake and a nice evening talk.